Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
by queenofhades
Summary: The writer has some details very wrong in this retelling...who knows if the beta-reader will go insane first or not.


Chapter One- Tulip Dorsey

Vernon Dorsey kissed his wife goodbye, smiled at his baby son Doug, and left for work. He worked in a big office building, at a company that sold baking soda. He always sat with his back to the window and therefore, did not see the numerous owls flying past his window.

He stopped for lunch, and on his way out of the deli where he bought his sandwich he ran into a man dressed in what looked like a robe. He apologized to the man, and helped him dust himself off. The man beamed at him.

_Back up. Who's Vernon Dorsey? And who's Doug Dorsey?_

Well, they would be the characters we've met so far. We have not met Tulip Dorsey yet, if you think about it-

_You have everything wrong- very, very wrong. Vernon's last name is Dursley and his son is named Dudley. _

But I don't really like the name Dudley. It sounds like the name we would give to a horrible prat.

_Dudley Dursley **is** a horrible prat. _

He's just a baby! I think you're being very judgmental. How do we know what Doug- oh, ok, Dudley- is going to be like when he grows up?

_Believe me. We don't like Dudley. He is going to be horrible to Harry. _

Who?

_What do you mean, who? I'm talking about Harry Potter._

Oh. He sounds nice.

_Of course he does! He just happens to be our main character. He's the one that this is all about._

But if it's about Harry, then why am I writing about Vernon and Dudley?

_You're writing about Vernon and Dudley because that's how Ms. Rowling started the book. She wrote about the Dursleys. By he way, Vernon's wife is called Petunia. _

Then who is Tulip? Did Vernon have an affair?

_No! There is no Tulip!_

But I wrote her in!

_Then un-write her. We don't need a nonexistent character!_

Oh. I guess you're right. But can I still use Tulip?

_No, you can't. I'm very sorry._

Why not?

_WHY NOT??? We're staying faithful to canon, that's why._

What are we staying faithful to?

_We're staying faithful to canon. It means we are only writing things that happen in the books._

Oh, ok.

_Now that we have that settled, we have a few more details to discuss._

Tell all, oh my beta-reader.

_First of all, Vernon Dursley is an unfriendly man. He would never be polite to an oddball he ran into. In the book-_

Why do we always have to refer to the book? What is your obsession with the book?

_We're staying faithful to canon, remember? When you stay faithful to canon, you only write something that stays faithful to the books. I have already told you that._

Ok, ok! I understand! Do continueslaughtering my story.

_What? It's not your story! It belongs to Joanne Kathleen Rowling. Also, I'm not slaughtering anything. I am giving you constructive criticism. I am your beta-reader. It's a beta-reader's job to tell you what's wrong with a story._

Cool. Where can I get a beta-reader?

_You have one._

Do I really? Who is it?

_I'm your beta-reader! Now can I continue with my constructive criticism?_

By all means, go ahead.

_Anyway, Vernon Dursley is unfriendly to the man he ran into. The man is nice to Vernon, but Vernon is mean_ _to the man. _

I hate making my characters mean. Can't we just pretend he's nice just this once?

_No. We are staying-_

-faithful to canon

_Now you've got it. Anyway, now that we've established that Vernon isn't nice to the man he runs into, we have to address the mistake you made about the company. His company sells drills._

I thought it sold baking soda!

_No, his company does not sell baking soda! It sells drills._

Oh, well. I was close enough.

_How do you relate baking soda to drills? Do tell._

Well, isn't there a baking soda company that has a name that has to do with arms and hammers?

_Yes…why?_

Well, hammers are tools. Drills are tools. I was close enough.

_I am searching your face for any sign of a joke…and I'm not finding any humor. Are you serious?_

Yeah. Why?

_That's ridiculous. By the way, don't use the word "yeah". Say "yes". _

Look, beta-readers aren't supposed to do anything about grammar, are they?

_Well, actually, yes, they are. Now please resume telling the story._

I've lost track of where I was.

_Vernon Dursley just bumped into a man who was dressed in funny robes._

Oh, yeah. I mean, yes. Now here's the part where Vernon hears the name "Harry Potter". Since he knew that his wife Petunia's sister had married a man named Potter and had a son named Harry, he talked to her about it later that night. She was pretty surprised to hear that her nephew's name was being mentioned by strangers in the street.

"Why, the Potters must be more popular than we anticipated! I'm glad to hear of them. Do you think Lily will come to visit soon? Maybe they have news that they have not told us yet, and that's why you heard Harry's name today. Do you think that Lily has a wallet size photo of Harry? I've got so many of Dudley and not one of Harry."

_Hold on. Back up again._

What more do you want? Harry Potter is the main character, is he not?

_Yes, but Petunia doesn't want to see Lily. She wants nothing to do with the Potters. _

Oh, that's terrible. Why can't I have one nice character? Why are all of them so mean?

_Nice characters come in later. But anyway, Petunia hates Lily. She certainly does not want a wallet size photo of Harry._

Then perhaps she will ask for one of the little pictures on those tiny stickers. Or maybe she'll want a locket photo. They're much smaller than a wallet size photo. Or would she like a larger one?

_She doesn't want any photos of Harry! She doesn't even put photo of Harry up when he moves in with the Dursleys._

He moves in with the Dursleys? Why does he do that? I thought they want nothing to do with him!

_They don't want anything to do with him. But something terrible happens, and Harry has to live with the Dursleys._

What happens?

_We find out in a few minutes! On with the story!_

Ok. So Petunia is _horrified_ at the news, because she hates the Potters more than anything and she wants nothing to do with them. She doesn't even want a wallet size photo of Harry.

How's that?

_It's very good._

Am I done with Chapter One yet?

_No, you most certainly are not!_

Well, what happens next?

_This next scene takes place in the street of Privet Drive._

What's Privet Drive?

_It's where the Dursleys live. The next scene takes place in the street._

Oh, I bet it is cold in the street. Can the scene be in the sitting room instead? I liked the sitting room better than the office.

_This has to be in the street. We need the cool trick with the thing that looks like a cigarette lighter! Besides, we'll see a lot of cool sets when we get to Hogwarts. _

Ooh, that sounds like a cool place! What is it?

_You will find out. Now it's time for the scene in the street._

If we can't have the sitting room, can we have the Leaky Cauldron? It's warm in there.

_We don't know the Leaky Cauldron exists yet. This scene has to take place outside. _

Ok, ok! Sorry, beta-reader. Ok, readers: this next scene will take place in the street because my beta-reader says so.

_Thank you very much._

Will you stop interrupting and let me tell the story? We've almost met Harry!

_I'm just being polite- oh, never mind. Go on, then._

The street was dark and empty. It was a very cold night.

_No, it was not._

Yes it was!

_This part takes place in July. It's not going to be cold._

Ok, fine. The street was dark and empty. It was a very cold night, except it wasn't because my beta-reader says it is July. The wind rustled through the trees restlessly until. Finally the last light in the last house went out, and Privet Drive lay in silence, fast asleep. Occasionally an owl flew by overhead, but otherwise there was no sound.

Why are you still here? The chapter is over.

_No, the chapter is not over!_

What else is there?

_We have yet to see the cool trick with a cigarette lighter!_

I thought that was later. You were talking about it when we were talking about things that come later.

_It is later now!_

So… do we get to see the Leaky Cauldron?

_Do you have this addiction to firewhiskey or something else they serve?_

I prefer butterbeer. Firewhiskey will do in a pinch.

_We're off-topic. Now we meet Dumbledore and he does-_

-his cool trick with the cigarette lighter

_Yes, thank you._

An old man suddenly appeared, and a cat that had appeared to be asleep sat up. As she sat up, she got taller and taller until she transformed into a woman. The man pulled out what looked like a cigarette lighter. He looked at the woman with pleading eyes. She sighed and pulled out a pack. "You really should buy your own cigarettes, Albus." He lit up and she took one as well, though she didn't smoke it. She played with it until-

_Whoa! What's going on?_

You should really pay attention. We just passed the part with the cigarette lighter. That was your favorite part, too.

_That isn't what happened in the books. _

What is it with you and the books?

_WE ARE STAYING FAITHFUL TO CANON. THIS MEANS STAYING FAITHFUL TO THE BOOKS._

No need to yell, you know. I can always get a new beta-reader.

_Every beta-reader will say the same thing. Get used to it._

I have a very harsh audience. Does anyone feel empathy for me?

_No, they don't. Get on with what happened in the books._

Sorry. I'll go on with what happened in the books.

_Thank you._

Stop interrupting! Anyway, the man _actually_ uses the thing that looks like a cigarette lighter to put out the lights in the street, one by one, until the street is dark. Then the cat that had been in the street turned into a woman and the old woman and the old man had a long and boring, but an undoubtedly important conversation. You can find this in the book, because it is canon.

Then a large man on a flying motorbike came and brought a baby. The baby was a cute little boy with black hair and a scar on his forehead. The large man wept a little over leaving the baby on the doorstep, and the lady had a few qualms, but the old man seemed quite positive that leaving the baby on the Dursley's porch was quite the right thing to do.

_You just skipped the conversation!_

Well, it was boring.

_But it's very important._

I know. I told them that. They'll read the books now!

_You are impossible!_

Readers, sorry, but I really have to go before my beta-reader attacks me. Remember to always stay true to canon, brush your teeth, and all that jazz.


End file.
